etiquette

Redneck Book of Manners

We ran across these etiquette tips for rednecks:

IN GENERAL

Never take a beer to a job interview.

Always identify people in  your yard before shooting at them.

It's considered poor taste to take a  cooler to church.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is  still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

If drinking directly from the wine bottle, always hold it  with your fingers covering the label.

Avoid throwing  bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may  not have dogs.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no  matter how good his manners are.

DATING

Always offer to  bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to  go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two  years ago."

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will  say 10 p.m.;  others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the  man's responsibility to get  her to school on time.

Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such  as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

Business Etiquette Tips

When you get the job, keep your head down and your voice soft for a time because you are fresh meat, and fresh meat is as vulnerable as a soft and fuzzy lamb.

The boss is not addressed as "dude." Calling her "dude" will not prevent her from firing you.

Everybody hates really long voice-mail messages.

Never eat anything called a 'hogie.'

Signing off: Very truly yours, regards or best. You could try Sincerely, but, when it comes to business, you should try not to lie more often than necessary.

Use proper grammar and clear speech — and do not attempt to eat doughnuts while talking on the phone.

From "Esquire's Things a Man Should Know About Handshakes, White Lies and Which Fork Goes Where: Easy Business Etiquette for Complicated Times" by Ted Allen and Scott Omelianuk

Weekend Etiquette Tips

When driving in downtown Charleston on a late Friday afternoon, it is wise to leave your pistol at home, to avoid the temptation for an overly dramatic gesture in traffic.

If you take your male dog to the farmer's market, make sure he is on a short leash in case he mistakes the tomato vendor's leg for an amorous companion.

It is often wise to make a reservation at your favorite restaurant instead of simply sauntering in and exclaiming, "Where the hell did all these folks come from?"

If you're doing yard work near a sidewalk where tourists are inclined to amble, be cautious of where you spit your tobacco.

If you're virtuous enough to attend church on Sunday morning, you can pretty much feel free to park anywhere you want except in the burial yards.

Feeding the pigeons or fishing from the railing at White Point Garden are suitable weekend activities, but the garden is not the proper place for your daughter's punk rock band debut video shoot.

A jog around downtown on an early Sunday morning is the perfect way to avoid cars and pedestrians, but remember, you still have to wear pants.

Furthermore:

Don't blow the horn... Don't wave your flag in anybody's face... Cheer only at events that require it... Say hello to people on the street... Order the seafood... You can eat some of it with your hands...

Don't pull Spanish moss off the trees... Don't eat the oleanders... Don't feed the alligators...

Three martinis might be too many... If you are a tourist, ask locals for directions... Watch for horses when you cross the street... Watch for college students when you drive... That mud you see near the marsh will suck your shoes off your feet.

Perfectly Acceptable Excuses for Rude Behavior: Cocktail eavesdropping

The strangers' conversation you are not a part of must not be interrupted by you.

But should you choose to ignore this Absolute Truth (as pluff-mudders at cocktail parties often do), here are some excuses:

"I couldn't help but overhear. It's part of my training. I am Special Agent Haltney Trapp III of the FBI, and you might be the Most Wanted Person I've been tracking."

"I'm from Bhutan. May I practice my English with you nice people?"

"I'm trying to make new friends. Want to go for coffee?"

Perfectly Acceptable Excuses for Rude Behavior: The Telephone

The live person waiting for a scheduled appointment with you is more important than the phone call you are on.

But if you've ignored this Absolute Truth and blown off your live appointment, you must apologize for your Rude Behavior.

It's best to come up with a good story. This is lying, but lying is better than rudeness.

Don't say "I was on the phone" (that's not an apology; that's a fact). Don't say "I'm sorry, I was on the phone" or even "I'm so sorry. I couldn't get off the phone." Everybody can get off the phone. There's a little button that you push.

No, you need to do better. Here are some excuses you can use:

"My son, Moot IV, called to say a hurricane is coming and that he could see it from I-26."

"I was leaving my office to come and get you when I was trapped behind the desk by a giant palmetto bug that demanded to know how much money I have in my IRA."

"Even though it sounded like I was simply conversing with my tennis partner, I actually was undertaking, at the request of the police, extremely sensitive hostage negotiations with a man who was threatening to blow himself up in St. Michael's steeple. Because of the hostage protocol developed by a secret military tribunal on which I once sat, the police will forbid any coverage of this incident by the media, so that's why it won't appear in tomorrow's newspaper. But it's over now. Thanks for waiting!"

GMLc’s General Rules of Proper Behavior

When you’re at a seated dinner party, and you notice a cockroach climbing the wall, it’s best to handle this situation by turning to your hostess and saying, “Oh my, Mrs. -------, but I do declare that you have an uninvited visitor!”

When you visit a market-area bar, and your tennis shoes get stuck to the floor because of the old beer, it is acceptable to go barefoot. The same applies when Market Street is flooded -- that is to say, when it rains.

When addressing comments to an elected official during a public meeting and when the speaker’s opinion on the issue differs from the politician, it is unacceptable to refer to said politician as, "Most honorable pointy-head.”

When deciding which fork to use with shrimp, remember: the shrimp doesn't care.

Don't think about changing the color of your house unless you are on good terms with your neighbors, your neighborhood association and your municipal government.

When asking a neighbor for permission to use his narrow side yard in order to get access to the side of your house so it can be painted, remember first to return the soup tureen that belonged to his great-grandmother.

When seeing a child dangerously clambering over a cannon in White Point Garden, avoid sneaking up behind him or her and yelling, "Fire in the hole!!!"

Never compare the physical appearance of an oyster to anything.

When somebody blows the horn at you, feel free to get out of your car, walk back to the offending driver’s window and ask, "I beg your pardon. Did you summon me?"

It is impolite to correct tour guides, even when you hear one say, "This is the house where Rhett Butler used to sit naked on the porch of."

During high tea, it is permissible to pour a dash of alcohol into your cup, so long as you are able to subsequently maintain a standard of behavior that does not damage the porcelain.

It is never proper to crash a ball, gala or other formal party, even if you’re dressed up like Elvis Presley.

In the misery of the Lowcountry summer heat, short sleeves or no sleeves are proper clothing options and you are permitted to amble. Humidity means never having to say you're in a hurry.

Golf balls hit to alligators are out of bounds.

We do not eat roasted peanuts in the Lowcountry. They are for birds, squirrels and Yankees. Peanuts must be boiled at home or bought from Tony the Peanut Man or another proper outlet.

All rules of proper behavior and expression are off whenever a pluff-mudder is forced to drive in the snow.

You must never put sugar on your hominy grits. Hominy grits take two toppings - shrimp or butter.

On all occasions where you are the guest, you must say: "I had a wonderful time!" "The food was divine!" "Your house is so lovely!" "Oh, that was grilled rabbit? I loved it!" whether those things are true or not.

On all occasions where you are the host, you must say: "I'm so glad you came!" "I so enjoyed having you!" "It was no trouble at all!" "You must come back!" and "Your children are delightful!" whether you mean those things or not. If lightning strikes on the last one, try this: "Your children are so energetic!"

On all occasions in which you are pulled over by the police, you must 1) smile 2) cry 3) wait patiently. While you’re taking these steps, you may also 1) memorize the officer's name and use it in a meaningful way. 2) make eye contact and 3) accept blame for hitting the cow. You hit it. You can't deny it.

In all situations in which you are caught firing a shotgun at squirrels in your neighbor's yard, you must not pretend it wasn't you. Acceptable responses are: "Oh, is this your yard?" "I thought this thing had a silencer!" "I thought it was New Year's Eve!" and "I thought I saw a panda!"

GMLc also recommends George Washington’s Rules of Civility & Decent Behaviour In Company and Conversation.

...GMLc gladly accepts any suggestions you may have for additions to this list. Just e-mail it to us, gentle reader...